Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Randomize
