Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
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