If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Randomize
