had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
