She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Randomize
