Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
