she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
