dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
