i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
