Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
