I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
It's never too late to be topless.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
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