I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize