Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
