I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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