peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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