I am spending my child support on dildos
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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