My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Randomize
