i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
