After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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