These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
You made out with two different species that night
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Randomize
