I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize