I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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