I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
Randomize
