I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Randomize
