what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
