Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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