Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
