Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
