you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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