Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
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