You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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