Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Randomize
