the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
