be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
