You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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