Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
If that was your dad, he is hot
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
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