i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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