i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
Actions speak louder than pants.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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