I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
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