So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
farters have to be the big spoon...
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Randomize
