My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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