i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
A bitchslap is in order.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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