I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize
