Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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