my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Randomize
