just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
