we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
