I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
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