..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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