Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
last night I used snow as a chaser
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