Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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