let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
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