you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
