Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
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