the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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