I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Your cock deserves a montage
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
