So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
