Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
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