Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
